Buffy's Adventures in Slayerland
Part 1

Written By: Ragna
Rating: PG
Summary: Parody of Alice in Wonderland.

Disclaimer: I am not in any way affilated with the show.
I don't not own any of the characters from the show. I do
own rights to any characters I have made up. No copy rght
infirgment intended.

Buffy could barely stay awake. College was just as bad as high school had been, plus she still had to slay. Life really stank, and her beginning algebra teacher wasn't making it any better. Xander poked her. "Tired?" he asked. Both of them had gotten in the same class, and that's what made it bearable. "Yeah," she whispered. "Miss Summers? Mister Harris? Would you mind taking your conversation elsewhere? I'm trying to teach a class here," the teacher said. "Sorry," they both chorused. Buffy closed her eyes and rested her head on her open math book. If only I could get a few minutes sleep... *** "I'm late!" Buffy woke up immediately. The classroom was empty, and everyone had left. In fact, it was dark outside. She looked towards where the voice had come from, and saw a very fashion impaired person. He looked familiar, but she wasn't sure. Either his mom still dresses him, Buffy thought, or he's a vamp. Experience told her to lean towards the latter. He ran down the halls of Crestwood college. Buffy grabbed her bag and followed him. Eventually, they left campus and headed to a familiar masoleum. "I can't believe I have to go down there again," she muttered, and followed him into secret enterance to the Master's former lair. Suddenly, Buffy fell down a tunnel. A long, dark tunnel, and she screamed all the way down. She landed on a bunch of soft pillows at the bottom. It took her a moment or two to regain her senses, but when she did, she spotted the vamp again. "Stop!" she cried, pulling out a stake and chasing after him. He ran through a door, and she followed. Inside was a room with many doors, and that's when the eerie feeling started to creep up on Buffy. Why is all this so familiar?, she thought, and then, as she heard a door slam shut, she knew why. It was exactly like Alice in Wonderland. *** "This is all a dream," Buffy muttered. She tried to will herself to wake up, but it didn't work. She sighed. I guess I have to follow the storyline, she thought. Except THIS time, I'll change it so I can get out of here in one piece. Sure enough, there was a table with a key on it and a bottle labeled "Drink Me." She grabbed the key and held onto the bottle. She walked around the table, and saw the tiny door. She opened the bottle and sipped a bit of the nectar-like drink. She continued to sip after each shrink. Soon, she was small enough to unlock the door. Opening it, she saw a field, with a beautiful house. The vampire was walking in the sunlight, which was suprising, but he was leaning out of the window, yelling down to her. "Human! Human!" He spotted Buffy and glared at her. "Human, I told you to get in here and clean." She decided to play along. "Yes sir." She walked closer to the house and finally got a good look at the vampire. It was one of her classmates, a football player. Or rather, he had been. She opened the door when the vampire attacked. She staked him rather easily. "None of that "Where are my gloves?' crap, I guess," she muttered to herself. She walked up the stairs and into the vampires bedroom. On the chest, there was a plate of cookies. She took a few and put them in her bag. Those would make her bigger, if she ever needed them. According to the original story, she had missed the Caucus Race and avoided a lot of unneccesary walking. She bet she'd run into some flowers later that walked and talked. With her luck, they'd be vampires, too. *** After a few twists and turns, she found that garden. Instead of vampires, there were her friends. Willow, Oz, Xander, Faith, Giles and her mother, as well as various other people in Sunnydale, were trapped in flowers. Their faces were in the center of each blossom, and they had no arms or legs, only leaves and a stem. "Why aren't you a flower?" Giles asked. "Because I'm the Slayer," she replied. "I've never heard of any flower named Slayer before," Oz said. "Then she's a weed," Willow replied. "Maybe not. But she's not a bloodsucker either," said Xander. Even as a flower, he still made bad jokes. "I don't have time for this," Buffy said, and left. "Wait!" Joyce called. "We're supposed to nag and torment you!" But Buffy never turned around. She did, however, look up and see the smoke. Guess it's time to visit whatever it is that represents the Catepillar, she thought. *** She walked through the woods until she got to a huge Jacuzzi. Inside sat Mr. Trick, smoking a huge cigar. "Greetings and salutations." This was a suprise, she thought. "What do you want?" Buffy asked. "Food. But not you, of course. Then again, I don't know who you are." "I'm the Slayer." Mr. Trick actually looked scared. "Mind your manners and don't ever say that word again!" Buffy smiled. "Slayer. Slayer. Slayer. Slayer. Slay--" He stood up and slapped her. She stopped and stared at him with a steely look in her eye. "Nobody hits me and gets away with it," she muttered. She leans over the Jacuzzi and slips in. Sitting up, she grabs over the rail for her bag, which she dropped. Not being able to reach it, she climbs out. Soaking wet, she grabs her stake and walks around to Mr. Trick, concealing the stake. "I have a suprise," she said innocently. "What?" "I said I have a suprise for you. I'm sorry for saying Slayer." "I thought I tol--" He never finished that sentence as his dust floated in the churning water. "Next stop, Mad Hatter and March Hare." *** She followed a trail leading from the Jacuzzi out of the woods. As she did, she approached a tree that had many signs. "Looking for something?" a voice asked. She knew that voice. It was Angel's. She turned around, and there he was. He smiled at her. "You've survived this much. I'm proud. Now, on to more serious matters." Parts of him disappeared until he was gone. "Miss me?" Angel's voice came from up in the tree. "I think by now you've realized this mirrors Alice in Wonderland." "Yeah. I've managed to stake a few vamps and move on." "Well, I can warn you. Then again, maybe I should stay cryptic." "You would." "Now what's that supposed to mean?" Angel looked hurt. "Remember? Until you kissed me, that's all you ever were. Cryptic, I mean." "I see. You expect I've changed since I left Sunnydale?" Something hit Buffy. "Why...why aren't you using lines from the book?" He smiled. "You finally got it. I'm only imitating the Cheshire Cat, but I'm not really him." He thought about his answer for a minute. "What I mean is, everyone else you've encountered actually is the charachter they're impersonating. Your friends really were the flowers, Trick really was the Caterpillar. I, however, am not actually the Cheshire Cat." "I think I get it. But why you? Why didn't Giles do this?" "I don't know that. I guess it's because you still really care about me. That, and I can improvise better. Or maybe it's because I'm so good at disappearing." He smiled and started to disappear again. "Wait!" Buffy cried. "Yes?" Angel's voice said from above her. She looked up, and he was floating on thin air. "Which way do I go?" "Well, I would give you a lot of directions like the real Cheshire Cat did, but I'll just tell you in plain English: follow the center path. You'll have to visit the loonies, though." "Fine. Will you visit again?" "He disappeared again. "Maybe." *** Following the path Angel pointed out, she saw a replica of Willi's Alibi Room, and heard fighting going on inside. The voices were easy to recognize. They were Cordelia's, Willi's and Whistler's. "What do you mean there's no tea!" Cordelia shrilly yelled. "Not my fault," the slimy bartender replied. "Is so. Why do I have to work for such am incompetent ass?" she moaned. "Company's coming," Whistler said. "SHUT UP!" Cordy and Willi yelled at him. Buffy knocked on the door. Getting no answer, she walked in. "Can I help you?" Cordelia asked. "Nope. I just have to use the restroom." "No room. ID, please," Whistler said. Buffy punched him in the face and walked to the emergency exit. She saw the path continue outside the building. "I wouldn't do that," Willi said. "I don't care," Buffy replied, opening the door and walking out into the dark woods. She walked for what seemed like hours. "Angel?" she asked, but no one answered. Realizing she hadn't eaten lately, she thought of something. Pulling a cookie out of her bag, she nibbled on it. And she started to grow. And grow. And grow, until she could see over the trees. The mansion was straight ahead. *** She walked a bit, crushing trees, but she drank some of the potion before she got out of the forest. Soon, she was back to the right size. "Well done," Angel said from behind her. "Thanks. Could've done it without you. Come to think of it, I did." He laughed. "Well, your last test is straight ahead. Enjoy." He turned and started to walk back into the forset, but suddenly he stopped. "Remember I helped you." Then he was gone. *** She strode right up to the mansion and opened the door. Inside was a courtroom, with two thrones where the judge would sit. And sitting in those thrones were the King and Queen of Hearts, also known as Spike and Dru. "Miss Edith says off with their heads," Dru said, pointing at three vamps in the defendants box. "But pet, all they did was plant healthy roses. Eventually they would die," Spike said. Dru sighed. "Fine. Miss Edith says they were bad, so they get no cake." Spike sighed. "Where in the bloody hell is that vamp that runs this place." "He's dust," Buffy said. "Who the hell are you?" Spike asked. "The Slayer." A gasp rose from the room, which was crowded with vampires. The loudest came from Dru. "Miss Edith says she killed people. Off with her head!" "In this case, love, I agree." The vampires in the room tryed to attack Buffy, but she started throwing holy water at them. They backed off rather quickly. She walked right up to the King and Queen, staking any vampire stupid enough to get in her way. "Stop," Spike said. He turned to Dru. "Duck, let me deal with this, okay?" Dru sulked. "Fine. But I still think she should lose her head." Spike leaned over to look at the Slayer. "What's your name?" "Buffy Anne Summers. I thought you knew that, Spike." "SILENCE!" he roared. "You will address my as Your Majesty." "Your majesty indeed. I think not. To me, you're Spike, a big jerk of a vampire. And this looney chick is Dru." Dru stood up. "Miss Edith says you should lose your head. I'll help." She grabbed an axe, but Buffy's stake was faster. Soon, the axe clattered to the ground. "There goes the queen. Now, I think the King is about to be dethroned." She glared at Spike. "I think no--" The dust spread around the throne. She quickly had a bit of cookie and grew taller than all the vampires in the room. "Now, I think I'll dump this on you." She uncorked a huge bottle of holy water and dumped it on the vampires. Even in this place, it still hurt, and the vamps went running. "Good job, Buffy," Angel said. Buffy had the last of the elixer and shrunk to her normal size. "Welcome. Now, how do I get home?" "Well, you wake up." With that Angel hit her with the blunt side of the axe. *** "Buffy? Buffy? Buffy?" Someone kept calling her name, but she couldn't see anything. "Angel?" she muttered. "Geez. The demon leaves town and that's all she can think about." Buffy recognized the voice. It belonged to Xander. Her eyes flew open and she saw her math class was empty. "Wow, Sleeping Beauty, you're awake. Interesting dream?" Buffy sat up, closed her book and put it in her bag. "If I never have it again, I'll be happy. It was Alice in Wonderland meets the Hellmouth. Bad combo." Xander shuddered. "Sounds like it." Buffy looked at him. "It was horrible. You and everyone else in the gang were talking flowers. Mr. Trick was the Caterpillar, and Cordy, Whistler and Willy were at the tea party. Angel was the Cheshire Cat and Spike and Dru were the King and Queen of hearts." "Wow." They started to walk out of the school. "Well, at least the vamps got dusted. That was cool. At least I know how I'll feel when I kill Spike." "And that would be...?" "Powerful. And estatic." "That's the stuff dreams are made of, dear." They left campus and headed towards Buffy's house. If anyone had been walking behind them, however, they would have noticed something interesting. Xander had a leaf or two peeking out from under his shirt.